Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
