i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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