VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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