Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
