ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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