i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
