got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
