Only a mothe r could love this liver
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
