So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
