its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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