woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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