I want to make a zoo with you.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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