I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
