I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
