Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
