I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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