His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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