So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
