So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She's the barista slut.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
