Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
