I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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