my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
