dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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