Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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