god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
