He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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