if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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