I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
