Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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