She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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