My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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