my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
