this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
