I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
