Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
