I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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