piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
