My nipple is on Facebook.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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