I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
