I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
