How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
