haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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