cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
