nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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