You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
