Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
