If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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