1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it wasn't lemon gatorade
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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