Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
