Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
